Why you think you need a man
This cultural programming prevents true love and even worse, keeps you trapped.
Before I can explain the why, you need to understand how we have these thinking.
Most of us can accept that we are the sum of our experiences. The way we make decisions and experience situations are largely based on our own learnings and experiences from an early stage.
Before we were actively learning consciously as children, we were in a delta brainwave state as babies from the time we were in the womb; subconsciously downloading the beliefs or programs of the emotional environment.
For example, pregnant women who lived through the Dutch Hunger Winter (1944-1945) had babies who would be programmed to store more fat when food becomes available, leading to higher risk of obesity as adults. The emotional learnings translated biologically; the maternal anxiety these babies experienced during the famine predisposed them to shutting down more easily - resulting in higher risks of ADHD or schizophrenia; both of which are dissociative responses to stress. These learning for self preservation happened even though the front of their brain responsible for conscious learning had not developed. The emotional responses created these programs in the body; which became pathological and can be passed down through generations.
You must understand that survival for babies is not just about nourishment. Survival for human beings is about belonging in order to be taken care of. To be rejected or abandoned is equivalent to death. Yuval Harari of Sapiens (excellent book btw) asserts that the reason homo sapiens survived is due to our ability to work together opposed to the widespread idea that we were intellectually superior to Neanderthals (homo neanderthalensis).
We started rapidly downloading social beliefs as a baby because we are dependant on the care of adults to survive. This survival instincts to be accepted continues into childhood where we reject pieces of ourselves that our parents rejected, in order to be cared for. This is what I commonly refer to as the wounding process.
But we are not just the sum of our experiences from this life.
If it resonates with you that we evolve to survive, then there must be a part of you that agree with the increasing evidence that memories and trauma carry on in generations through our cells. This is called genetic memory.
For some of us, phobias that are not ours are easy to spot. For example, I have a friend who is afraid of water despite never having a bad experience with water. Her mom had the same fear. It turned out that her grandmother nearly drowned while out at sea as a refugee. In a more controlled environment, this same ability to inherit survival promoting fears are found in mice. Mice who were taught that a scent of cherry blossom would result in pain went on to have babies who carried the same fear despite never having experienced the painful experimental electrical zaps that accompanied this scent.
For the rest of us, the programs that are in our cellular memories are not as easy to spot.
I will talk about women in particular because we have so much intergenerational trauma that is also part of the collective.
The history of women of their sense of safety.
It was only 70 years ago in Singapore that women were fighting for their access to education.
Until women started being able to be financially secure, we relied on men to provide us with safety and survival. So, getting married was essential. In order to be married to, women had to be attractive, manipulate and play games to tickle the fancy of a man. Women had to make a man fall in love with her in order to marry her and therefore secure her future.
Women did not marry for love. They married for safety. Other women became competitors. Women literally could not live without men. A woman who did not have a husband was pitied/left on the shelf/unwanted. She was shamed.
This program of getting married and therefore finally be safe also contributes to our belief that when a man loves us, he will always protect us or do the right thing for us. This in addition to our programmed fear for survival, makes adultery exceptionally catastrophic. Even more complicated when we mix love up in the equation.
Programs persist and fortified by culture.
Even though the situation has changed and women are able to be financially independent, the subconscious program of ‘I need a man’ remain. This belief that women are helpless creatures that require saving is also fortified by the idea of a Damsel in Distress being saved by a knight.
In fact I got this idea from a conversation with my 12 year old son yesterday. He is brought up around Moana and Frozen (Cartoons with strong females); and so I thought he was immune to the idea that women were helpless. In addition, I am a woman, his mother and totally feminine in exterior. However, my son thought I was masculine because in his mind, I would be the knight saving the damsel in distress. He did not describe me to be a strong feminine… but a masculine. Being a thinker, he was confused by himself - why did he think it was feminine to be in distress?
Isn’t that interesting? This belief is still pervasive despite efforts to change the environment of how women and men are perceived.
We run on collective beliefs (programming) until we are made conscious of it.
Our yearning for true intimacy will never be satisfied with this programming.
What we call love - which is emotional intimacy and connection - it escapes us when we come from the approach of manipulation and control. You have to risk losing what is inauthentic in order for something real and authentic to come into place. This is scary because what I am asking you to do is to release the very program that ‘kept you safe’.
It takes courage to go through the process of shedding these beliefs that no longer serve us and apply to the current environment. I am heartened by the few warrior women who are now exploring their subconscious world to change the patterns in their relationships; not just to themselves but to their partners or children.
Everything is connected. When you need to manipulate in order to have a man love you, you are likely to be on autopilot to manipulate your kids to love you or to manipulate friends to be on your side. Manipulation requires you to put on a front - a tiring and unsatisfying way of building relationships. In the end, we just want to be loved for who we are but this program tells us we are undeserving of the love we desire. We over give to feel deserving. We take on too much to feel worthy.
Where do you go from here and how do you do things differently?
It is a good start where you are. If you are here, you must realise that you are one of the very few amazing ones who are beginning to understand the programs that we run on subconsciously.
You may begin to question why you need a man. Why are you afraid to be without a man? How is it affecting the way you interact with a man you are interested in?
Needing is a grabby energy - a turn off for anyone. True intimacy is between two individuals who add to a person’s life, not fill a void. You will choose your relationships and how you approach them if you come from a place of wholeness instead of desperation.
You can begin to put structures in place in order to reduce this need. Is it financial? How can you better serve yourself emotionally in order to thrive being single? Are you taking care of yourself in the way you wish for a man to take care of you? I assure you, we are very capable of providing for ourselves what we thought we needed someone else to do.
Daily Affirmations for light reprogramming
I am painfully aware that conscious thought is often overridden by subconscious programming. Daily affirmations have a powerful effect on our mind. Put one of these on a post-it note and stick it on your mirror. Read it to yourself before bed and in the morning several times as you are brushing your teeth.
I am capable of taking care of myself.
I am taking care of myself.
I love my own company.
I have everything I need.
My basic needs are met.
I am divinely provided for.
I am worthy of being loved for who I am.
I am a divinely designed by a wise Creator.
I am love.
I am seen for who I am.
I love myself.
When you read these affirmations, which one riles up emotions of insecurity or disbelief? Emotions provide information about your deeply subconsciously embedded programs. Conscious talk therapy cannot reach the depth of the subconscious where these programs are stored and run your life. Subconscious programs require subconscious-led therapy to uncover and resolve.
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Questions? I’d love to know what I might have missed.
About Lorraine
I am a subconscious-led therapist. What this means is your healing is guided by your higher self and inner wisdom. I facilitate this bridge and keep your space guarded and safe. Would you like to have a chat with me? Book a free call to explore.