Women are penalised for being women.
When women want equality, why we may never ever feel equal. A change in policy is needed. Just some thoughts as I ponder my daughter’s needs to thrive.
I have been busy in Australia. I am looking at schools for my daughter and it has been a way more difficult and far more mind boggling process than for my son. I realise choosing a school for my son has been somewhat straight forward is because all it took was looking for a cultural fit and a school that supports his gifts so he can thrive in a working world made for men. (While it is dubious as to how the schools nurture emotionally intelligent men, I am somewhat confident about his upbringing at home which will mitigate that.)
I am far less confident about choosing a school that will help nurture a woman who would thrive in today’s world.
“But you turned out fine.” people say. I do not feel like I am thriving as a woman and do not think women feel they are thriving. So I have no real example to lean on. Perhaps I have not been looking very hard or perhaps I have not given this enough thought. Perhaps women do not thrive because of their well documented and inherent toxic shame. (Toxic shame is a belief that you are defective as opposed to healthy shame which gives you boundaries. Toxic shame gives us chronic anxiety and depression. It really is not good.)
What we really want
For a woman to survive, it is straight forward if she lives like a man. She puts her all in a career. Women are as intelligent as men, so this is not hard to achieve if she can have her intelligence recognised. If her career defines her, then it must mean she is also likely to be intrinsically rewarded pursuing a career that earns the most money even if it is otherwise somewhat soul crushing. (which is a problem men have, I empathise.) I am grateful for the leaps and bounds the feminists of the past have made in order for women today to work, vote and more as they pursue an idea of equality. I recognise that my current problem is actually a luxury for women in the recent past.
When women were fighting for equality, they might not have realised what they wanted was to feel equal. Unfortunately, that does not come with having all the rights to act as a man. We are wearing trousers, driving cars and fucking who we want. We are earning money and having house husbands. We are still not done.
We’ll nit pick at all the things that are happening that are unfair to women vs men because we think that when we finally get those things we will finally feel equal. We want men to feel like we feel and get in touch with emotions. If we could make men give birth, we would. Because THEN it might truly be equal.
Fairness and equality is an iffy issue.
Why you, as a woman, will never feel equal
We will never feel equal because most women have the cultural and multi-generational belief of ‘Not Good Enough-ness’ running through us. Women who rebel against this by being themselves are getting told they are behaving badly, wrongly, unladylike or just underperforming. We are told off for letting our white hair and wrinkles show. Women who attempt to heal this by becoming exceptional in everything they do are imploding on the inside as they become everything everyone else wants and they lose their idea of who they are. We have been controlled over generations through laws and fear and being socially rejected. It is all the years of punishment for feminine gifts of working with nature and intuition and of sensuality.
Basically we were just wrong for being and this has carried through time in our cells and taught to us by our parents and affirmed by the outside world.
But first, lets talk about our Primal needs.
For as long as most of us can remember, a woman seems to be defined by her role as a mother, wife and homemaker. So we cannot deny that It is in our genetic make up to be a nurturer. It is interesting to see this difference so starkly between my kids; I have a son and daughter. I never attempted to raise a nurturer. Naturally, she took to babying my cat and babying her dolls as a toddler as my son stamped over them. Despite exposing her to sports and rough play, she was softer, gentler and drawn to all things stereotypically ‘girly’.
I am starting to think that equality for women is the freedom to be feminine. You might wonder, who is stopping us from being feminine? Indirectly, I believe, we are penalised for tending to our primal feminine needs.
Here’s one way that is at the forefront of my mind.
We ‘give up’ work…for wanting to be a mother that nature intended which is:
close skin-to-skin contact
Breastfeeding
Nourishing
Soothing
All this for most of an infant and toddler’s life which is a good 7 years. These activities are essential for healthy nervous system development in a child - which is EVERYTHING. Screw this up and you basically will spend most of your parenting life spending money on fixing all these issues that spilled over from this. The therapy for bullying, or being bullied, for the inability to take risks, the inability to focus, the inability to build secure relationships… the inability to sleep, hormonal issues, teeth grinding, pelvic floor issues, etc…. guess what, it all stemmed from nervous system dysregulation. (This is the basis for attachment parenting - which is a sophisticated term for ‘how it was done before parenting was colonised’.)
So we become a mother and ‘sacrifice’ our careers. The true sacrifice is our feelings of security as we tend to the ones we love. Some women hate the idea of ‘just being a mother’. Would that be because there is absolutely no glorification of being a mother? There is no monetary reward, no recognition of her effort - in fact, only expectation of her martyrdom across cultures. How many times have men asked ‘What were you doing at home all day?’ as they walk into a house with a dishevelled, lonely woman who is emotionally spent?
The bigger question is why do we take that shit? We take it because we love the idea of taking the moral high ground. This is the golden paved path to ultimate victim mentality. Honestly, fuck that shit. (Yes I am in Angry Woman mode and I’m not asking permission to be mad at all the wrong.)
As a disclaimer: I do not think that women should be forced to be nurturers at home. Some men want to be and that is okay. I’m just saying women should not be penalised for wanting to care for their babies.
All Women Should Be Paid to be Mothers
A healthy society recognises the contributions of the feminine. Sure, not all mothers do things the same way and perhaps we are not meant to. There is room for all types of mothering. However, I believe all mothers deserve equal recognition - and there is nothing more solid than the energy of money to show recognition.
The question is whom should this money come from? I believe that the governing body that is most vested in building a healthy society should be redistributing funds into the career of motherhood. Who else than the ones who run the country? I do not think it should fall upon companies to pay maternity leave or to keep a spot for a pregnant woman. How would having a disgruntled employer help anyway?
Benefit of this policy change.
A child with a happy, present mother will always benefit. This is documented extensively so I’m not even going to link studies. The ones interested in building a healthy society and in charge of the flow of funds - you guys need to funnel it through if you want to increase birth rates.
Just another potential benefit of this change.
An enlightened human race will no longer have females competing with each other for the alpha male to have a satisfactory life. An emotionally healthy female has the gift of collaboration - and when females are not competing with each other, they spin out gifts of nourishment, community, love, creativity and problem solving as they collaborate.
Did you like this post? Consider subscribing as I spill more than my coffee. Or support me with a minimal fee per month with added benefits.
About Lorraine (more)
I am a Subconscious-led Therapist experienced in bringing to your awareness the root cause of your feelings and behaviours. We work together to resolve the incomplete traumas and change the patterns in your life through reprogramming. Book a free consultation here to chat about if this is suitable for you.